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Read a few pop psychology articles on the web about men who go soft during sex, and you’ll get the idea it’s always caused by erectile dysfunction.
Trouble is, if you go soft during sex…you were hard at some point before that. But dudes with ED can’t get hard.
So there goes that theory.
If you’re in a brand-new relationship, keep in mind that failure to perform during the first round or two is a surprisingly common problem.
If you’ve just hooked up with somebody, don’t sweat this too much. It’s usually just your nerves.
Performance anxiety has softened harder men than you, my friend, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Once your brain settles down, you’re going to be just fine.
That said, if you’re in a long-term relationship — or if you’ve had this trouble for a while — read on. You’re probably going to find the likely culprit below.
Now, let’s take a look at the 10 most common reasons men go soft during sex.
1. You Get Psyched Out (Mental ED)
You go soft during sex for whatever reason, and you let it get into your head
The next time you’re “at bat,” the pressure and stress make you fail again. It turns into a self-reinforcing cycle of self-doubt and soft wood.
This is so common I can think of three sitcoms off the top of my head that make a joke about it.
Solve this by giving yourself a break.
Fool around a little (or a lot) before “going for the gold.” Take your time. Learn to love giving oral. Once you relax and enjoy yourself, the life will come back to your lower limb.
2. You Drank Too Much
“Absinthe makes the penis go wander” isn’t an old saying, but it should be. Science tells us drinking too much can ruin your erections
in two different ways.
Short-term, having a few drinks makes your erections slower in arriving, shorter in duration, and weaker in quality.
Multiple studies have demonstrated this, including research at the University of Washington that linked the cause to changes in your circulation when you drink.
Long-term is even worse, with study after study finding a direct correlation between chronic drinking and erectile dysfunction.
In both cases, the solution is to cut back on your drinking. Eliminate the binges entirely, and have a drink with dinner just a couple times a week.
3. You’re Using SSRIs
SSRIs are one of the most commonly prescribed antidepressants, and are used in an attempt to help people with severe clinical depression.
Thing is, SSRIs directly interfere with the pleasure hormones in your brain.
It’s how they counteract the hormonal and neurotransmitter problems that cause medical depression.
Any time something messes with these brain chemicals, they can interfere with other pleasure responses….like sexual arousal, erection, and orgasm.
If you have a true medical need for SSRIs which can’t be avoided, theres not much in the way of a direct solution to this problem.
Your best bet is to see to your diet, sleep, exercise, relationship, and similar lifestyle factors. These can impact both your erectile health and your depression.
4. You’re Having Too Much Vanilla Sex
Sometimes you just get bored.
Too much of the same kind of sex, with the same person, over and over again, can lead to you going soft during the act.
This happens because people (even men) need their brains involved to have really good sex. If you get bored, your attention fades. And staying hard becomes difficult.
I’m not saying you need to go to bed tonight with jumper cables in your hands, but do try to spice things up a bit.
Try a new position, switch locations, rent a room, use toys, talk dirty to each other for a while.
Remember, novelty is your best remedy if your sex life has fallen into a rut.
5. She’s Too Wet
When you were seventeen, a strong wind and a Victoria’s Secret ad could keep you hard for an hour.
As a grown man, you need some friction to keep the little soldier standing at attention. If your woman gets excessively wet you can lose that friction, and lose your erection at the same time.
This excessive wetness is often caused by estrogen dominance, an imbalance in her hormones with excessive vaginal lubrication as one of its chief symptoms.
The solution is to have her bump up her progesterone levels, which usually fixes the problem within a couple of weeks.
6. Her Vagina Has Atrophied
This happens in post-menopausal women
, and works a lot like the excessive wetness issue above. It happens when a woman’s body produces fewer sex hormones, and leads to a thinner, looser vaginal wall.
The result is less friction for you, and with less friction comes worse erections.
Also like with the excessive wetness issue, the solution is bioidentical hormone replacement and similar treatments to get her body to produce more sex hormones. Her vagina will return to normal, and so will your sex life.
7. Your Dopamine Receptors are Damaged
Dopamine in one of the core neural substances responsible for sexual arousal and erections, and when your dopamine receptors have been damaged you can easily go soft while having sex.
There are plenty of ways to damage your dopamine reception. A few of the most common are boredom (see above), screen addiction, excessive masturbation
, frequent use of hard-core pornography, substance abuse, and various mood disorders.
The good news about this one is that it’s usually reversible. Find out what’s causing the problem, and scale back how much you indulge in it.
Go out and do stuff. Turn off your screen. Fap half as often as you do now. You’ll see your erections come back quickly if you stay the course.
8. You’re in a Negative Relationship
Here’s a news flash: sex is better when you actually like the person you’re having sex with.
A demanding, negative partner can make sex so bad your penis quits early.
Even a relationship with a good partner that happens to be in a negative space because of stress, money problems, or just a bad week, can feel the impact in the sack.
Sure, this is a bit of the “well, duh,” department but it’s worth mentioning because of how common it is.
If you’re in a relationship with a fundamentally negative woman, get out of that relationship. Go find somebody better. Life’s too short, man.
If your relationship is mostly good, but in a negative space right now, work with your partner to reach a more positive space.
9. You Have a Serious Medical Condition
In the “here’s some really bad news” department, a variety of serious medical issues
can cause erectile problems.
A few of the most common include cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure (source
All three impact your circulation in ways that weaken your erectile health.
A lot of other illnesses don’t directly impact your erection, but require medication that messes with your erection.
And here’s the worse news: there’s not much you can do directly about your softening in this case. You can’t wake up tomorrow without hypertension, and those drugs are often saving your life.
But you can work on lifestyle elements that make your erection as healthy as possible, which I recommend. In most cases, those same lifestyle elements can reduce the impact and symptoms of the medical issue.
10. You’re Addicted to Tobacco
Smoking tobacco jacks up your erectile function
in all kinds of ways.
It damages the lining of your blood vessels and reduces general blood flow, which interferes with blood getting to your penis. It hurts nitric oxide production, messing up one of the chemical functions responsible for arousal.
And, oh yeah, it can kill you. Hard to keep an iron stiffy in the grave, friends.
The solution is simple: freakin’ quit smoking. If you can’t quit, switch to vaping. It’s still not great for you, but it’s a big improvement over cigarettes.
Why Men Go Soft During Sex: Conclusion
If you give your situation some real honest thought, keeping in mind the contents of the list above, you’ll find the reason why you go soft during sex.
The next step is figuring out what to do about it, then doing whatever it takes to resolve the situation.
Staying hard, finishing strong, and general bedroom mojo are just around the corner. All you have to do is want it bad enough to make it happen.
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